Consensual Living
May 2008 Newsletter
Consensual Living: The art of creating solutions and living joyfully
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Autonomy and Food
By Pam Genant
Food is such a touchy issue for me. I was raised with food as punishment and reward. It was praise, it was comfort, it was so important in our family. My mom was a great cook, and I loved her food, I loved her for making such great food. I felt loved when she would cook food. But I knew I did not want to pass this on to my children. I wanted a life for them that did not revolve around food. I still have my food issues, I still carry that with me daily and have come to grips, so to speak, with this as part of who I am. So I had this I my mind, in my body, before I even met Jackson, my husband.
Once we had decided to marry and have children we talked about many parenting issues, talking about how we were parented, what we wanted for our children, why and how this should happen, what it would look like in our family.
We fully believed that each individual has the right to decide what is right for them. So we have never had restrictions on the boy’s food choices. They both come to the grocery store with me, or if I go alone I will ask them what they need. We do not have meal times, and never have. We have never distinguished between “junk” food and “real” food. I have never told them they had to clean their plate, try everything, or eat with the family. We really want the children to be making their own decisions listening to their own bodies, knowing what is right for them.
It has worked out beautifully. Following *my* intuition that told me to give them the freedom to follow their own intuition. Neither of my boys has issues wrapped up in food. They don’t look to food for comfort or escape. They eat when the need arises and continue until they are no longer hungry. They listen to their bodies about what to eat and have never eaten large amounts of sugar, “just because it was there”. They do like chocolate and sweets, don’t get me wrong, but do not have any feeling of limit. They do not eat the whole box of chocolates out of fear they will not get enough because they know we would work together to figure out a way to get more if they needed more. But they are just as likely to want to eat cheese, or a piece of fruit. They see foods as merely different choices, and look to what their body needs at the time.
My oldest is a vegetarian. He has had to deal with childhood migraines. We have done a lot of research on childhood migraines and have found that if he has protein in his diet consistently, the migraines are kept away. Harder when you are a vegetarian, but we have just put more time into finding protein sources that he enjoys, are portable and we can either make or buy locally. It has worked well for him and he is so in tune with his body that he will, for example, come to me and say “I feel like I need some protein mom, can you help me cut up some cheese” or something like that.
My oldest son also did some research on vitamins and was reading about Omega 3 fatty acids, on his own, at his own pace. He asked me about the topic and we did some research together, looking at fish oil and flax seed oil. He decided that he wanted to start taking flaxseed oil supplements, and has taken them daily, on his own. It is so great to see these things coming together for him.
My youngest is a meat eater and, a month of so ago, he came to me and said he really enjoys chicken and wished that we could search out a source for organic chicken so we would be able to have more at the house, like chicken breast, not just the organic frozen chicken fingers I can find at the grocery store. So he and I did some research and found some. He is really enjoying that, and helping me figure out ways to cook it, as I haven’t cooked chicken in about 14 years.
For us it has been a wonderful journey, and I trust that in my own way, on my own terms I will figure out all the pieces to my own puzzle with food. We have spent so much time with the boys in helping them listen to that inner voice, and figure out what is right for them, it is amazing to see their minds at work. And I trust this is something they will be able to pass onto their children, if they choose to have children. I know people say that if you let children eat candy, they will eat it all day and all night, we have not found that to be true. We have found that if we give our children a wide variety of foods, and help them listen to their bodies, they will choose exactly what is right for themselves. And feed their bodies what they need to grow, and thrive.
This is what has guided our whole parenting journey, a desire to help our children figure out what is right for them. Encourage them to listen to that inner voice.
Food and Discriminating Eaters
Anna Brown
Growing up I was often called a “picky” eater. In fact many times I was called an “extremely picky eater”. I just knew that there were certain textures, smells and flavors that turned my stomach. I wasn’t trying to be difficult, hurt anyone’s feelings or make more work for my mom. I just wanted to eat things that I enjoyed and avoid things that made me feel sick. For the most part, I was lucky. My parents were really accepting of this, even if it was talked about a lot. There was one night when they decided to try the “sit here until you finish it” approach. Well, it was around midnight when they finally said I could go to bed. That exercise didn’t make me like the food, I don’t remember the food, what I do remember was feeling hurt, misunderstood and disconnect from them. Thankfully, that was the exception and for the most part they accepted my strange eating habits, even if they didn’t understand them.
When I had children I knew that respecting and honoring their food preferences would be a priority for me. The reality of that could be overwhelming but we’ve found strategies that make it work for all of us. One thing we do is have adaptable meals. For example, one of my favorite meals is grilled chicken with a balsamic reduction and pasta with sundried tomatoes and goat cheese. For my oldest, I take the pasta and add her favorite sauce. My youngest likes the chicken and vegetables but doesn’t want any pasta. They both eat the bread we serve with it. Both are accommodated easily, without much additional work on my part. Other meals are adapted in other ways, just taking elements that work for the individual and using different spices or leaving out the onions, etc. Occasionally, there are meals that don’t have appealing elements for my girls. For those meals, I have things on hand that heat up easily. My oldest daughter likes homemade pasta and sauce. I make this a pound at a time and it is easily warmed up for a delicious meal. My youngest likes lots of different bean dishes. I always have something in the refrigerator that can be warmed up to suit her too. If I’m making a complicated meal, I’ll often ask my husband to warm up the dishes for our girls. My priority is that we all get something we enjoy.
I love that my girls are *discriminating* eaters. I think it’s wonderful that they know what they like and that they feel heard and trusted about those preferences. I’ve found that because there is no agenda or expectation, they will often try things that we are eating. They don’t always try things and they don’t always like what they try but they feel comfortable saying that and know that I won’t be offended or bothered by it.
I’m sure there were times when my mother wondered what my eating would look like as an adult. I ate just a few foods for years. Now, what I hear from my mom is what a wonderful cook I am. They eat dinner with us frequently and consider it a gourmet experience. I’m sure she never thought she would see the day. I still have strong preferences. You won’t find me eating mushrooms, olives or red meat but I eat tons of healthy, delicious, whole foods. I suppose one of the reasons I enjoy cooking so much is that I get to control the ingredients and textures. I’m so grateful my daughters have a strong sense of what they like and I really enjoy sharing this food journey with them.
Consensual Living vs. Force
By Lori Barklage
I have heard people say consensual living is too much work... they ask "Why involve the other parties in long discussions and find a consensus when it would be easier to make them do what you want?"
Let's set aside the ever-present-in-consensual-living thoughts of mutual respect between humans for a moment and focus on the physics behind force of any kind. Does it really take less energy to force something than to work with it? According to the Wikipedia Aristotle famously described a "force" as anything which causes an object to undergo "unnatural motion." Perhaps you remember from high school physics (or a Bill Nye show) that force can also be viewed as the transfer of energy from one thing to another.
Lets consider water for just a moment - are you aware of how much force it takes to control water compared to allowing it to flow freely, with respect for its final destination? Look at the size of the Hoover Dam to get an idea of the force involved in keeping water under control.
Recently in a town near us a giant sinkhole just 'opened up' in front of a restaurant, swallowing an entire car along with most of a parking lot, and condemning a new restaurant. What went wrong? The short answer is they tried to force water to flow where they wanted it, where it was most convenient for them. For a time it seemed the water conformed. But all along it was flowing underneath the surface, eroding the structure that was forcing it, until the structure finally had to give way. Several years later they are still trying to clean up the mess created when they tried to force the water instead of allowing to flow freely.
What a difference it would have made to take into consideration the flow of water and create an outlet for it with respect for its destination. Both the water and those who needed a building could have found a way to have their needs met. Perhaps a tunnel or channel could have been built, perhaps the building could have been moved back on the property, I am sure there are many ways this could have been accomplished which are beyond my engineering knowledge.
I find the sinkhole comparison helpful when deciding where to invest my energy. Do I want to invest my energy trying to maintain a force which cannot ultimately be maintained, or should I invest my energy in exploring solutions for a respectful, and ultimately more peaceful, coexistence? Do I want to maintain the appearance of 'control' for a time only to find I never had it, or do I want to work with the other people in my life, knowing they are on their own journey and any ideas I have of what it 'right' for them needs to be weighed very carefully. Is this really respectful of their journey, or is it a force I will have to work to maintain which is against their natural state of 'flow'?
I invite you to step back and watch your children flow, support their natural state! Enjoy Consensual Living!
Here are a few great older posts about food
Pat
Add nutritients:
Try adding several easy nutritious foods that optimize intake. I make smoothies with protein supplements, vitamins, flax seed oil, coconut oil, probiotics, yogurt, and fruit and it is filling, quick, easy, convenient and portable. I also add protein powders to pancake mix, muffins, banana bread, cookies, zucchini bread, and cakes. Also extra coconut oil fats, vitamins, and pureed veggies. ect. can be added to many dishes. One could try making smoothies into Popsicles or homemade ice cream also.
Another idea is to supplement the diet with simple nutritional alternatives. We give our son a Whole Food supplement. It is literally made from certified organic vegetables and fruit concentrates. They look like gummy bears and taste great.
I make a well enriched smoothie once a day and there is enough for several glasses throughout the day. I include both animal (egg) and vegetable protein powders, fruit and healthy fats for calories. Ds (and all of us) love them.
I firmly believe that there is a mutually agreeable alternative that meets our son's nutritional needs without it being a burden or a battle. Then sweets are not as much of a concern, imo. And when sweet nutritional alternatives are available, ds chooses them.
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Delicious and Nutritious Chocolate Chip Cookie
Wheat-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, egg-free. With dark chocolate 60% Giradelli chips. It is naturally sweet, soft, and decadently sinless.
1 cup raisins
1 cup water
soak overnight at room temperature, then puree.
Add 1/4 cup oil and mix well.
In a bowl mix well:
1 cup oat flour (you can make your own flour by finely grating oat meal)
1 cup oat meal
1/2 tsp baking soda
3/4 tsp cinnamon
3/4 cup dark chocolate chips
(walnuts optional)
Stir wet ingredients in until just mixed.
Spoon onto ungreased cookie sheet.
Bake 11-15 minutes, at 375 degrees.
(you are just drying them out, the larger ones take longer. I like them smaller, personally.)
Sinless delight.
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Food Freedom:
I am passionate about not forcing food. We 'unschool' food. By that I mean that we don't enforce eating habits; we are life learners about *listening* to how our bodies feel when we make different food choices. I have learned most about how to eat healthfully as an adult despite being forced as a child to 'eat one spoonful of each item at every meal', 'no dessert before eating a meal', 'only one sweet', 'sit at the table until you clean your plate' etc. I had significant self-image issues related to weight and with controlling my caloric intake because that was one of the only ways I could have personal body control.
Because of my personal body space integrity issues, I also had difficulty with extended and frequent on-demand nursing when our son was 18-24 months old also. So, I really empathize with the frustrations that you are having. Additionally, our son is highly sensitive and has some sensory behaviors which effect his comfort with different food textures. I don't know if this is an issue for your son or not from your post. I have learned of quite a few young children who won't and can't tolerate textured foods to varying degrees. Some can only tolerate liquid nutrition even well beyond your son's age. It is a significant nutritional dilemma.
Our son has had food intolerances (dairy, wheat, soy, corn, etc.) since he was about 8 weeks old so food has always been something we have discussed. However, our son has free access to all of these foods and chooses to rarely consume them *because* he doesn't feel healthy when he does. We also avoid corn syrup and artificial colors and flavors and at four he is quite knowledgable and articulate about these ingredients in food.
We have no "rules" around food at all. If he wants a popsicle for breakfast, he eats it. Or spaghetti, or pizza. Or cereal for dinner. We are grazers all day long, whatever suits our taste and hungar. I do offer standard 'breakfast' type foods but also have many alternatives in our cupbords in an open door access policy. And I willingly help to meet any dependent needs for any special meals or preferences to the best of my ability. Sometimes, we just are out of whatever and write it on the grocery list for next time. We do eat very healthy alternatives. We have no corn syrup products in the house, and few artificial colors/flavors/preservatives. We buy limited trans fats, and eat organic and whole foods as the norm. I offer and prepare lunch and dinner and he does or doesn't eat at that time. I provide a healthy buffet of alternatives and he picks what suits him. So, I find that by providing an unlimited but healthy variety of foods, our son self-selects and self-regulates his dietary intake.
We also do have plenty of sweets, unlimited access. Most without wheat or dairy and I bake some too. It has taken a significant amount of effort to find foods that meet his dietary limitations and are pleasurable. We keep working to find new alternatives to add to the variety of his choices. We do discuss his and my observations when he eats several sweets and isn't hungry and he keeps getting hungry; and then he is usually ready to eat something with protein, often asking for it. But he is just as apt to eat only half a popsicle or refuse cookies as eat them. WITH NO STRUGGLES!
More From the Consensual-Living Yahoo List:
i've been thinking a lot these past few days, and i had this revelation
today. it seems parents are typically searching for balance within
their family relationships, and at the same time, so many people see
things as black and white...either you are a totally permissive parent,
or you are extremely rigid and strict. well as i was thinking about
this, i came to realize that CL is really right smack dab in the
middle. with permissive parenting, the parents are usually sacrificing
themselves to please their children...with really rigid/strict
parenting, the parents are more focused on what works for them without
a whole lot of consideration of the child's experience. with CL,
everyone's needs matter....no one is sacrificing, everyone is met where
they are, and each person is considered and valued. it's not just
black and white....it's multi-colored and multi-faceted. so many
people use the word 'radical' when talking about CL, but i don't think
it's radical at all. it's just right in the center, where all the
balance occurs.
Kat
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just wanted to share what happened with
dd at lunchtime.
Dd got a chocolate bunny in her Easter basket yesterday. Today before
lunch, she asked if she could have it after lunch and I said yes. After
lunch she got it out and asked if she could eat the whole thing. I told her
it was up to her, but a lot of chocolate can sometimes make people's tummies
hurt. I just reminded her to listen to her body and eat as much as she felt
was right. She slowly ate the ears and head and then walked into the
kitchen and threw the rest of it in the garbage. Then she came into the
room I was in and told me she had thrown it away. And I said, "Because you
didn't want any more?" She said yes and that was it. Amazing!
Telling her to eat as much as she was comfortable with was a totally new
thing for me. I usually limit her sweets and end up haggling and
negotiating with her. She always wants more in those situations. What
Colleen wrote about the lollipops and having a sense of abundance made a lot
of sense to me and I decided to go with it and let her have control of the
*whole* bunny. I can't believe how well it worked! I'm so tired of telling
her what to eat and what not to eat, but it's been a habit that's hard for
me to break.
I eat too many sweets and I hope our dc will have better self-control than
dh and I have. I don't want dd to expect dessert every night or crave candy
all day long. I keep the sweets up on a high shelf so they're not within
view of the kids. I can't totally keep them away from them because, like
Sarah said, I would feel dishonest. Dh and I eat sweets and we'll probably
always have some in our house.
But yeah, letting her listen to her own body was the right thing to do. It
was really such a positive experience for both of us today!
Susan